Being a bike messenger after high school was a helluva lot of fun until about somewhere between the 3rd and 4th major snowstorm of that winter. I don't remember the exact moment when I thought to myself; "I was always one of the smartest kids, so why am I the only person I know who didn't go to college?" -- but I was likely somewhere near Houston Street freezing my ass off on a 10 speed when the thought occurred... Fast forward about 8 years and I'm working in a pizzeria on Western Avenue in Albany, New York in the summer of my, like, 5th Senior year as a college student. All my old friends were graduated and gone. Even my new friends were graduated and gone. I was failing out of summer school -- again -- and I worked in the most depressingly empty pizza place in the history of pizza. I made like 3 pies a day and spent the rest of the time ignoring my textbooks and sitting on the counter thinking; "I was always one of the smartest kids -- so why am I still in Albany"? ... A few years later and I'm living in New Mexico. All was well until suddenly I was the only one still there. Fran had left with his stripper girlfriend for Seattle 3 months before. Mark moved on to Guatemala. My girlfriend moved back to Philly. Rod was in jail. Dana cut his hair and claimed his inheritance. I was working in a restaurant and living in a sober house where I was the non-sober mascot. My friends were Townies who drank and did blow. One night my friend Dustin talked about robbing a gas station. The fact that I thought it was a good idea got me to work a couple of extra double shifts and buy an Amtrak ticket back to New York. My sober friends were sorry to see me go. My fucked up friends probably still haven't realized that I've left. I would miss the mountains, the sky, and the Chimay Ale at Evangelo's, but beyond that I was already late getting home... Back in New York, I continued my trend of being the late one: I was the last one to go to Acting School, Last to move out of my parents place, Last to get headshots, Last to quit my day job, Last Actor ON THE PLANET to appear on Law and Order -- and so on. Thank God I've always had some successful friends to compare myself too, otherwise I might still be on a 10 speed delivering packages. And really, being last is not the problem -- and truthfully I'm not always last -- but the real problem is this: what happens when time catches up with you and you're no longer last, but rather -- not there at all? What happens when there's no more do-overs? What happens when the last bus pulls out the station and you're not on it -- and all you can think is; "I was always one of the smartest kids, so how come I'm not.....?
When I was in L.A. recently, I spent a little time with my friend Gary. He was showing me pictures of his son, Gus, and he tried to explain to me the joy of being a dad. He said; "I was always the kind of kid who couldn't wait to try whatever they told me was great. I heard about pot -- couldn't wait to try it. I heard about getting laid -- I was dying to lose my virginity. They told me how incredible acid was -- I couldn't wait to trip. I wanted to be a rock and roller, couldn't wait to go on my first tour. And I had heard about how great it was to have a child too. Well, I went on to do all those things, man, and the only thing that was as truly amazing as they said it was gonna be was having a kid. Having a child is the only thing in my life that has exceeded my wildest expectations. It truly is the greatest thing in the world"...
The other day it was Christmas, and I was at my friend's house playing with his beautiful kids. My other friend had 4 kids there, and I talked to his 9 year old about movies and football. My other friend left early with his kid, and my other friend brought his daughter along, and my other friend doesn't have kids yet, but at least he has a long term girlfriend, and there was some other guy there that I didn't know, and he had kids too. Basically, there was only one other guy there besides me who didn't have a girlfriend or kids -- and he confided that he sees a therapist four times a week. I was left to ponder if the fact that I only see my therapist once a week was some kind of victory -- or if I ought to cook at home more and use the savings to invest in more therapy before my sperm count takes a nose dive and I end up having to try and adopt as a single father with no health insurance on the black market in Instanbul or the former Czech Republic...I don't mind being the last one to get married and have kids, or even to have a girlfriend and have kids, but I never thought I'd be someone who didn't have kids. And I'm still not in a rush -- but maybe I should be. Or at the very least, maybe I should leave the fuckin' house more often... I used to think I was one of the smartest kids I knew. But being smart guarantees nothing but an aptitude for trivia and crossword puzzles. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that some of the smartest people I know are also some of the dumbest people I know and some of the dumbest, the smartest. I'd like to be a father some day. My need to be the smartest is becoming less important, as is my fear of being the dumbest. And what I want --what I need--can be found not in some troublesome past or in the fear of a more worrisome future, but right here and now in the Present. It is almost impossible to truly live in the Present for even 5 minutes and be able to deny the existence of God. Yesterday, I watched my worn out friend dance with his son in an effort to please him. He got down on the floor and spun around like a slow motion break dancer. His son laughed and clapped. God was pleased for him. I was too. My dad is 84 years old and waiting to die. And yet, it is still very easy for me to please him. The best moments in life are not remembered or anticipated -- but lived. I have more moments to live. And to share... The Present is everything...
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